Earlier this year I had the radio on and the lady broadcaster challenged listeners to pick a word that would define the year ahead. I chose content. While it seems such a subtle gentle statement, so far it seems harder to achieve than one would think.
I read a couple of blog entries this week including Flamingo Dancer’s Floating On A Sea of Tranquility. If you haven’t read the link mentioned yet, please do. I read it with a tear in my eye. It struck me so profoundly that I printed it out and have read it several times. I so applaud her for arriving to that awareness.
In a little less than two months I will turn 43. This feels like such a transitional time. While I won’t bore you with tales of woe from the past few years (or unless you are really interested check out those past blog entries for whats still public) I know those experiences have forever changed me, my husband and our marriage. Instead of feeling like these obstacles became great accomplishments, I feel drained instead. My inner cheerleader has checked out.
Last night I had a dream that I was back in Boston with the old crew. We were at a restaurant sitting cozily in this booth. There was wine and much laughing and joking. My old friends were there as well as a few cast members from Jersey Shore who tend to frequent more of my care free dreams for some reason. I was dressed in my old clothes; the same ones that I know I should really give away as they are way too short for a woman in her 40s. I woke up with a sense of longing so strong I could have cried. There are times I feel like I would walk through hell in gasoline panties to have those times back.
My husband’s job has been so sporadic with its hours that I’ve really fallen into my own routine that he has had to catch up with. Yeah, it sucks waking up alone but a year ago he wasn’t working at all so I’ll just stop right here.
Despite this, I know that I’ve made changes that are moving me and ultimately us, in the right direction. Things are just not moving quickly enough for my liking. If you read my last post you’ll see that patience hasn’t been one of my strong points lately.
Well, I’m trying to reward my efforts. So much has been accomplished. We saved our home from foreclosure and there are so many other things. One thing I’ve set a goal on is treating myself to something each week. Even if it is something as small as a cafe latte at Starbucks. The dress I had posted about over a week ago was one of those treats. In addition to that, I’ve committed myself to do one home project on the weekends. This past weekend I placed together an accordion file for this year’s bills. Now it was not the most glamorous of jobs (they seldom are), it was something that needed to be done and will help keep us organized going forward.
Maybe this is normal to feel at my age. We don’t have children to count milestones on with. There just seems to be this mild confusion of needing to be somewhere and I haven’t been able to figure it out yet. Hubby seems to be content with all that is going on around him so at least we both aren’t trying to figure something out. I say ‘figure it out’ but at the same time I’m not 100% sure what it is I’m trying to figure out. Make sense? No? Not to me either.
So maybe the road to contentment isn’t a place that is reached in the neck breaking speed of a Porsche Boxster but is reached after a long walk full of baby steps and hopefully a few leaps (of faith).
Maybe its time to invest in some new walking shoes.