Earlier this year I had the radio on and the lady broadcaster challenged listeners to pick a word that would define the year ahead. I chose content. While it seems such a subtle gentle statement, so far it seems harder to achieve than one would think.
I read a couple of blog entries this week including Flamingo Dancer’s Floating On A Sea of Tranquility. If you haven’t read the link mentioned yet, please do. I read it with a tear in my eye. It struck me so profoundly that I printed it out and have read it several times. I so applaud her for arriving to that awareness.
In a little less than two months I will turn 43. This feels like such a transitional time. While I won’t bore you with tales of woe from the past few years (or unless you are really interested check out those past blog entries for whats still public) I know those experiences have forever changed me, my husband and our marriage. Instead of feeling like these obstacles became great accomplishments, I feel drained instead. My inner cheerleader has checked out.
Last night I had a dream that I was back in Boston with the old crew. We were at a restaurant sitting cozily in this booth. There was wine and much laughing and joking. My old friends were there as well as a few cast members from Jersey Shore who tend to frequent more of my care free dreams for some reason. I was dressed in my old clothes; the same ones that I know I should really give away as they are way too short for a woman in her 40s. I woke up with a sense of longing so strong I could have cried. There are times I feel like I would walk through hell in gasoline panties to have those times back.
My husband’s job has been so sporadic with its hours that I’ve really fallen into my own routine that he has had to catch up with. Yeah, it sucks waking up alone but a year ago he wasn’t working at all so I’ll just stop right here.
Despite this, I know that I’ve made changes that are moving me and ultimately us, in the right direction. Things are just not moving quickly enough for my liking. If you read my last post you’ll see that patience hasn’t been one of my strong points lately.
Well, I’m trying to reward my efforts. So much has been accomplished. We saved our home from foreclosure and there are so many other things. One thing I’ve set a goal on is treating myself to something each week. Even if it is something as small as a cafe latte at Starbucks. The dress I had posted about over a week ago was one of those treats. In addition to that, I’ve committed myself to do one home project on the weekends. This past weekend I placed together an accordion file for this year’s bills. Now it was not the most glamorous of jobs (they seldom are), it was something that needed to be done and will help keep us organized going forward.
Maybe this is normal to feel at my age. We don’t have children to count milestones on with. There just seems to be this mild confusion of needing to be somewhere and I haven’t been able to figure it out yet. Hubby seems to be content with all that is going on around him so at least we both aren’t trying to figure something out. I say ‘figure it out’ but at the same time I’m not 100% sure what it is I’m trying to figure out. Make sense? No? Not to me either.
So maybe the road to contentment isn’t a place that is reached in the neck breaking speed of a Porsche Boxster but is reached after a long walk full of baby steps and hopefully a few leaps (of faith).
Maybe its time to invest in some new walking shoes.
Life In The Sonoran Desert 
As is so common with us, I can so relate to much of the feelings you describe here. I push myself each day to look at what I have done instead of where I haven’t gone yet. I think you’re right about this having sometime to do with the 40’s and not being a parent – well, at least not parents to people-kids : ).
Isn’t it funny? Now I don’t mean that in a laughing way, but that our lives are so parallel. Someone once described it to me as sitting on a horse that is moving forward but sitting on it backwards so we face what is behind instead of what is to come. Its also important I’m finding to give ourselves credit for accomplishments. Its something I know I definitely need to work on.
Saving your house from foreclosure was a huge achievement and your husband being employed again is a big plus. Perhaps you are have a little of an anti-climatic feeling after having to fight so hard over the last couple of years. It’s a bit like having a stressful, challenging project at work and all your energy goes into that and when it’s over you relax for a minute and then think “oh, what’s next; I’m bored”.
I enjoy posts like this; they tend to make me introspective about my own life and where I am at 53. Oh, and, even at this age there are times that I want to be back in the bosom of my family and 10 years old again – and I dream of that.
Take care Monsoon – I think the road does get smoother.
Hi Emjay, I actually read this over the weekend from my phone and it really gave me lots to think about. I had not thought of it before in these terms and I think you are absolutely right. This is the neat thing about blogging. I learned so much just by posting about this. Thanks for your comments. And I’m glad to hear that the road does get smoother. I’m so ready. 🙂
Indeed a wonderful Post. Very inspirational words at the end.
Thanks much Zoom!
You’ve accomplished a great deal – and it’s been a bitch of a last few years. Give yourself credit for your accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem to you.
Walking is good. So is letting go. I have dreams like that, featuring my mother. I’m back somewhere safe, but there’s loss, too. She’s still alive, but I’m no longer the protected little girl I once was.
Hang in there and think good thoughts. I’ll imagine good Boston things for you.
Thanks Margy. I do really need to remember to do that. 🙂
Your dream is kind of sad.
Thanks for thinking good Boston thoughts for me! I am imaging tea at Tealuxe or Tapas at Tapeo or eating Italian food in the North End. This could be followed up by a trip to Mike’s Bakery for the cannoli. Oh! I better stop. LOL.
Saving your home from forclosure alone is something that zillion of Americans did not manage to do. Congrats. There are times I wish I were back with my old crew also, although just getting out of the house more would be a good step for me, LOL
Thanks Emmy. I really do need to give myself more credit for that. It was a lot of hard work. I think I sent the paperwork to the bank at least 5 times. They either lost it or certain things needed to be redone, etc… It was quite frustrating so I can see why a lot of people would give up and let their houses be taken from them. I think I am on a first name basis with most of their loss mitigation customer service. 😉
I hear you on the getting out of the house part. I must make that a priority as well!
Even when people seem to have ambition and drive they are just as clueless as we are as to where they are going to end up.
So, this road to contentment is definitely one to take with baby steps, it will twist and turn but you have your Hubby, whether he is physically there or not, you are together 🙂
Hi Bess, yes, I definitely have support which is great. The walk, I’m finding though, is one that is personal. After posting this the other day I came to a few realizations so at least now I have a starting point. 🙂
It’s a long and winding road. And I think everyone has a different path to reach that goal or just has to find an approach that fits the individual.
I’ve been on that quest for about 10 years now and it seems like an ever changing process. Sometimes baby-steps, sometimes a long period of stand still and then suddenly a huge leap.
But I am sure you’ll get there. Because in the end it is all in our head and our willingness to change and dig deeper. You are aware and you are willing therefore you are on you way 🙂
Thanks Irony. It will get there. My Dad always says when we are going through frustration its because we are on the brink of learning something new and major. I think there is some truth in that.
I can relate to your feelings in so many ways.
I’ve had some significant challenges too. Sometimes we need new walking shoes or just a new way to walk. I need to go read FD’s post.
Its helpful knowing that others are feeling the same way. After writing this yesterday and rereading it I came to some realizations and didn’t feel quite so confused. I guess that is a good thing.
This post is inspiring. I’ve been on the negative side lately, so this helps. 🙂 Thanks. Keep walking away! I’ll be right behind you.
Hi Alicia, I’m glad you saw it as inspiring. It felt really good to just get that out and I actually came to a couple of positive realizations as well.