Season of Change. . .


It is official.  I have separated from my other half.  No more lies.  No more infidelity.  I waffle back and forth between being completely and utterly relieved to feeling like my heart has been cut out of my chest. 

On Friday morning I took my wedding rings off (see enclosed picture).  My naked hand looks so beautiful to me.  Saturday evening I went up to Athletica’s house and we drank champagne.  We were supposed to be celebrating but instead as I spoke about it I found myself wanting to cry.  I waited a while after drinking the champagne and then drove home and went to bed.  I texted a friend of mine who is going through a divorce and told him what had happened.  He wrote back long after I had fallen asleep that he remembered very well what it felt like and to sleep well.  Then he added that he liked champagne.  Such are the comments of my guy friends.
I spoke with friends and family over the weekend and everyone agreed that I had done the right thing.  I knew I had.  Three years is a long time to be miserable.  Not sure where to go from here.  How do I let people know?  Do I send out a blanket email?  Can you imagine:
“Dear friends and family,
Due to irreconcilable differences my other half and I will no longer be attending your barbecues together.  We have separated.  Please do not call me to discuss because I am fine.   
Hope the Diamondbacks will have a stellar year! 
Although its early, way too early to be thinking about any of this, I wondered what it would be like to date again.  Maybe eventually.  I don’t know.  In all honesty I am terrified.  I can’t think that far ahead so I won’t.  I look forward to having some peace.  Once his stuff is gone I’m going to buy a bottle of expensive wine and sit in my livingroom and sip a glass.  I’m going to breathe in the peace and look forward to the new life I will create for myself.

27 thoughts on “Season of Change. . .

  1. Girl, I really sometimes believe we are long lost sisters. I just read your last several blog entries, and they sound so very much like the feelings and experiences and questions I had when my husband and I split back on 05. Some of what you wrote is written almost word-for-word in my old locked diary from that time period, I swear. So know what while my heart aches for you because I know that even when this road is the one that leads to peace and happiness it is also one with tears and regrets and sad times, I am also excited for the adventures ahead of you and the good times to come. You still have my #, call me if you want or need to talk at any point, and make a trip to Baltimore one of the adventures in your future : ).

    • Gosh, Pam, I have thougth that so many times too. Can you believe that we will have known each other for 4 years this Spring? Thank you so much for your kind words! I seem to have turned a corner yesterday and am not feeling quite as lost as I’ve been. I am actually looking forward to the future. I suppose there will still be ups and downs to come but I’ve heard that the only way around something is through it. It looks like I may have lost your phone number when my old phone broke back in September. I just checked Facebook and it looks like you don’t have it listed in there. I have so wanted to come to Baltimore forever! Maybe this Spring. 🙂

  2. I am so lame!!! I completely missed this post. Dearest lady, such a time of upheaval for you but you sound strong and positive. I so hope you are enjoying your freedom from misery. I had no idea.

    • Thanks B. And no, you are not lame! I took a break from blogging for a while and am just getting back. I didn’t make the problems public on here but I’m glad it’s behind me. I’m looking forward to brighter days.

  3. Hello, Hard thing to live through. You have your sense, there must have been something to him or you would not have tried so much. There are some perks. As cool as CC and I are..sometimes, just to keep my sense of who I am..I deny my impulse to share..remember how I did it alone..and do it. When one sees things small that the other sees as humungous or threatening it is no one’s fault. I just hope everything is affable and smooth. If it is to you will return in love. Avoid settling redundant things with explanation that may lead to hurtful arguement. If no love..remember the good parts..take them to your new life and perhaps a new love.I feel like a perfect fool doing this Dear Abbey skit..but I mean it..Best to you both..Peace Tony and CC.

  4. It’s sad and my heart breaks for you, Monsoon.
    Your life is not over! is time for a new look, new friends, sports…
    the list is endless! Good luck.

  5. Sorry to read this BUT a new way is good for the soul….hugs from Kerstin

  6. I remember the first time I went to the supermarket after my ex and I separated – my hand automatically went to get the bathsoap I’d been buying for 12+ years then it hit me “I don’t have to buy this anymore; I can buy whatever I want” ! It seems silly but it was a wonderfully liberating feeling. Telling people was difficult – I didn’t tell people at my job for a month and then tried to play it down. With friends and family I sort of felt embarrassed as if the failure was my fault and was surprised at the support I got. Spend some time spoiling yourself a bit.

    • Hi Emjay, some days it is incredibly sad but most days I have to admit I love having the bed to myself. I did splurge on some shoes but I’m not sure where I’ll wear them. Lady Gaga may have a pair, too. 😉

  7. Oh dear, Monsoon. I’m so sorry to hear about this. Clearly you’ve given it plenty of thought. You and Smokey will be in all of our thoughts as you navigate this transition in life.

  8. You have done a wise thing. Best wishes for the future, I know it will be great!

  9. THERE YOU ARE! I was asking Freedom if she knew where you went to. I’m so sorry. 😦 I’ll be praying for you and I hope you heal quickly; it sounds like you’ve already gained a measure of peace, and I am glad. Way to go for taking control of your life!

    • Hi Alicia! Thanks so much for the prayers. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for my marriage to turn around and the final message was just to end it. There is definitely peace in the decision so I know without a doubt that it was the right decision. I’ve been on Facebook quite a bit. Not sure if you are on it but I’d be happy to send you a friend request. 🙂

      • Yup! I’m on it! The minute I got into college my roommates “forced” me on to it (when it was really starting to take off.) XD You have my email, right? That should take you right to me. 🙂 I’m in a purple shirt showing off my new hair style. 😛

  10. Margy Rydzynski

    I’m crossing my fingers for you and wishing you a fully-experienced emancipation! Do all the things you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t when you were married. That will keep you busy for a while – at least!

    • Thanks Margy. I was at my sisters in Cambridge over the holidays and thought of you. She lives right off the Lechmere T stop. I so look forward to doing many things and discovering who I am again. 🙂

  11. Brave woman, I am happy for you. The pain is a trick our mind plays on us because we are social beings. But don’t be fooled by that. You are no longer stuck in misery. I for one was sad you were not here as much, I miss you and soon enough some extremely kind and hot guy is going to see what a treasure you are. xoxo stay strong, girl.

    • Thanks so much. I think the majority of that time I sat at my desk and stared into space. You are right, I am no longer stuck and it is such a huge huge relief. I missed you too! I was back in the Worcester area and thought about you. Sorry I didn’t get in touch. It was somewhat of a whirlwind. I’m sure I’ll be back there soon though. Well, I do hope an extremely kind and hot guy does make his way into my life. LOL. I will of course keep you posted if and when that happens. 😉

  12. Thanks MG. It does seem surreal some days. It hurts like hell but things are going to be so much better going forward.

  13. It’s going to be a tough time. I can not imagine celebrating in these moments, though you must be feeling a bit of relief!. Wishing you much peace in this new moment in your life.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s