I never know what each day is going to bring. Some days I am on top of the world, like this past weekend, and other days I feel paralyzed by my thoughts. I remember the coin I gave DGF the day his wife announced she would be by with the divorce papers. The coin said “This too shall pass.” Its funny, I find myself recalling some of the things I told him when he was going through this and realized I’m much better at giving advice than taking it.
Speaking of DGF, Monday morning he emailed me and wanted to know how the race went. I had told him a long time ago about it so was quite surprised that he remembered. He texted me about 9pm that night just to say ‘good night.’ Does anybody else find this odd? I started thinking about this the next day and none of my other guy friends (or girlfriends for that matter) ever randomly text me goodnight. Maybe I am just reading too much into this. I do miss him but not enough that I would pick up the phone and call him right now. I feel stupid enough on a regular basis after what has transpired than to put myself through something equally as stupid.
On the weekends I can busy myself with things. During the week I think too much. I feel somewhat lost although I’m trying to figure it out. Its interesting. A little over 10 years ago I moved out here with all my personal possessions, including three ferrets, in my SUV. I didn’t know a soul. Upon arrival I had to go over to Target to purchase a pillow and a blanket, then I slept on the floor of my new apartment. I had to figure everything out on my own and it was a welcome adventure. Maybe its just all in the mindset. At least now I have a home and friends. I know my Glendale from my Scottsdale. Why does this seem so much more scary? That is what I’m trying to figure out. Maybe some days its just supposed to hurt like hell and other days will be okay. Maybe that is normal and I have to just accept that this is going to be how it is for a while.
Ana emailed me this past Friday. She asked if she could come stay with me during the month of March. At first I said, sure. Then the thought of this brought some anxiety. Just as two wrongs don’t make a right, a recovering train-wreck under the same roof with a train-wreck to be, does not equal the Orient Express. A lot can change in a month though. She has a 9-year-old son who she is extrememely close to, that she would be leaving behind. All I can think of is that things have got to be pretty bad if she has resorted to these measures.
Last night I got ready to go running after work when my ex showed up wanting to walk the dog. “We can go together,” he stated. “I’m running,” I responded. He hooked the dog up to her harness and then I took off, leaving him in my dust. It was probably another of my better timed runs. Maybe I should start bringing him to the races to walk behind me. It may increase my timing even still. It’s funny because I picture with every stride I’m leaving all that behind. I’m running away. Every time my feet have struck that pavement I have felt a little bit of the anger leave. So I will keep running and running and running until all this is so far behind me that he’d never catch up. That all this will some day be a distant memory and I will never glance again at the picture of us I still haven’t taken down and ask it, “How could you?” It’s not okay. There is nothing he could possibly say that would ever make it okay or take away the hurt of what’s happened.
I didn’t ask for this.
A few weeks ago he brought me dinner when I was sick. I accepted this as I had no food in the house and was too sick to go out. Funny enough, here is what our fortune cookies said:
Mine: “Faith is knowing there is an ocean when you can only see a stream.”
His: “The things you have dished out in this life will come back to you 10 fold.”
Rumor has it karma is a bitch.