Okay, so it’s been over a year since I posted. It’s really started to hit me that I need to get back. For the past year I’ve been in deep thought but didn’t feel the need to record those thoughts. Sometimes you just have to let it be. So here I am. I’m back. Hopefully to stay this time.
A little over two weeks ago I finally made the decision to end my marriage for good. I had been separated for almost two years and in that time I kept waiting to see what he’d do. Of course nothing changed. It’s funny how we can fool ourselves into thinking that if we give it enough time that it will work out. When I was done being angry about the situation I grew very sad. Maybe these were the so-called phases of acceptance of the situation. After all, no one goes into a marriage with expectations of things ending several years later. I sometimes wonder if there were things I could have done differently. I’m not sure. He had an addiction problem. I can’t fix that although, my gosh, I tried. I often told him that it was no different than my trying to wrestle a knife out of his hands so he wouldn’t hurt himself.
When I first moved to Arizona 12 years ago, I remember passing a billboard for a sign that made a divorce look like it was so easy you could go out and get one as if you were running to the store for milk and bread. I thought it was insulting to marriage in general. How disposable our society has become! But here I was, in the same business 12 years later, and it was as easy as it sounded. Just a few signatures later and voila! Over. A girlfriend came with me that day. We entered the building that looked like it hadn’t had an update since 1987. I gave the pertinent information and they advised me to return the next day once the paperwork was printed up. I went on my lunch break the next day with the same girlfriend. We sat in a room in front of desk that showed no sign of any personal aspects. Just a cold plain room with an old newspaper clipping from 1996 mounted on a faded frame exulting the business to be made off of divorces. I found it a bit insulting.
After realizing the paperwork printed was incorrect and waiting for the correct paperwork to be printed, I sat in the room and had this feeling of dread. There was a deja vu feeling. When had I felt this way before? I remembered bringing Monsoon to the vet for the final time a little over two years ago. I remember holding her precious ill body to my heart for the last time knowing that at any moment the vet tech was going to come in and take her from me for the last time. That is how it felt. In moments a woman was going to arrive with the correct paperwork and would end my marriage. Ironically enough, on the day of the vets the ex couldn’t be there because he was working. So he said. Finding a charge on the bank statement a few months later revealed where he really was that day. Heartless.
The door finally opened and a too cheerful of a woman arrived and set the paperwork in front of me to review and sign. She commented on our handbags. When she left I told my friend that they were way too happy for this. She agreed. In tears I signed the paperwork. My heart felt so broken but on the way back to work I started to feel like a weight was taken off my shoulders. He received the papers this past week and he took it better than I thought.
Anyway, in these past two years I have discovered so much about myself. I’ve become an avid hiker and kayaker. My attitude is so much healthier and I have met some wonderful people. I’ve also weeded out some negative ones as well. It was time. Perhaps beyond time. I talked to my Dad this past week. He told me he was proud of me and that it was time I dream BIG. Sound advice.
I look forward to getting back to blogging and reading blogs.