Rollercoaster Thursday

I never know what each day is going to bring.  Some days I am on top of the world, like this past weekend, and other days I feel paralyzed by my thoughts.  I remember the coin I gave DGF the day his wife announced she would be by with the divorce papers.  The coin said “This too shall pass.”  Its funny, I find myself recalling some of the things I told him when he was going through this and realized I’m much better at giving advice than taking it.

Speaking of DGF, Monday morning he emailed me and wanted to know how the race went.  I had told him a long time ago about it so was quite surprised that he remembered.  He texted me about 9pm that night just to say ‘good night.’  Does anybody else find this odd?  I started thinking about this the next day and none of my other guy friends (or girlfriends for that matter) ever randomly text me goodnight.  Maybe I am just reading too much into this.  I do miss him but not enough that I would pick up the phone and call him right now.  I feel stupid enough on a regular basis after what has transpired than to put myself through something equally as stupid.

On the weekends I can busy myself with things.  During the week I think too much.  I feel somewhat lost although I’m trying to figure it out.  Its interesting.   A little over 10 years ago I moved out here with all my personal possessions, including three ferrets, in my SUV.  I didn’t know a soul.  Upon arrival I had to go over to Target to purchase a pillow and a blanket, then I slept on the floor of my new apartment.  I had to figure everything out on my own and it was a welcome adventure.  Maybe its just all in the mindset.  At least now I have a home and friends.  I know my Glendale from my Scottsdale.  Why does this seem so much more scary?  That is what I’m trying to figure out.  Maybe some days its just supposed to hurt like hell and other days will be okay.  Maybe that is normal and I have to just accept that this is going to be how it is for a while.

Ana emailed me this past Friday.  She asked if she could come stay with me during the month of March.  At first I said, sure.  Then the thought of this brought some anxiety.  Just as two wrongs don’t make a right, a recovering train-wreck under the same roof with a train-wreck to be, does not equal the Orient Express.  A lot can change in a month though.  She has a 9-year-old son who she is extrememely close to, that she would be leaving behind.  All I can think of is that things have got to be pretty bad if she has resorted to these measures.

Last night I got ready to go running after work when my ex showed up wanting to walk the dog.  “We can go together,” he stated.  “I’m running,” I responded.  He hooked  the dog up to her harness and then I took off, leaving him in my dust.  It was probably another of my better timed runs.  Maybe I should start bringing him to the races to walk behind me.  It may increase my timing even still.  It’s funny because I picture with every stride I’m leaving all that behind.  I’m running away.  Every time my feet have struck that pavement I have felt a little bit of the anger leave.  So I will keep running and running and running until all this is so far behind me that he’d never catch up.  That all this will some day be a distant memory and I will never glance again at the picture of us I still haven’t taken down and ask it, “How could you?”  It’s not okay.  There is nothing he could possibly say that would ever make it okay or take away the hurt of what’s happened. 

I didn’t ask for this. 

A few weeks ago he brought me dinner when I was sick.  I accepted this as I had no food in the house and was too sick to go out.  Funny enough, here is what our fortune cookies said:

Mine: “Faith is knowing there is an ocean when you can only see a stream.”

His: “The things you have dished out in this life will come back to you 10 fold.” 

No lie. 

Rumor has it karma is a bitch.

Easter Update & Some Other Stuff

Easter Sunday was spent with friends and their family.  We had a wonderful dinner of ham with 2 types of glazes and many wonderful side dishes.  The day was just perfect temperature-wise for sitting out on the patio with a glass of wine.  We had been invited to a barbecue at a new friend’s home in our hometown.  This was more of a party that was in full swing when we arrived.  I’ve never seen so many shots of tequila downed.  My friend was the perfect hostess.  She offered us more food than we could possibly eat.  Hubby immediately went over to where the men were sitting and stayed there the rest of the evening. 

At one table I noticed a young woman downing many a shot of tequila.  The more she drank the louder she got.  My friend told me she was here visiting from out of the country and was letting her hair down.  I’ll say.  Awhile later I was beckoned by my friend over to the table where La Borracha (drunk) was sitting and hesitantly made my way over.  I knew it would be only a matter of time before it was pointed out that I didn’t look quite like the rest in attendance there.  What’s so dumb is that just because La Borracha didn’t speak English she was too drunk to realize that I understand Spanish.  Nothing like being singled out for looking different from the crowd.  I didn’t think it was time to get into my family history here.  What was kind of funny is that when I was speaking to her in Spanish she still didn’t seem to get that I could understand her.  I ran into my friend yesterday and she actually told me that La Borracha had actually asked if I might be able to help her with her English.  I said, sure.  The first lesson is on AA.  It’s a 12-step program. . .

All in all though, it was a great party.  Hubby enjoyed himself.  I ended up talking to a girl from Nicaragua who I have the impression may have been a mail-order bride but I’m not sure.  There was a show on TV awhile ago on how these older guys take these trips to South America to find a wife.  Her husband could have been a shoe-in for that but I didn’t want to ask anymore.  She was such a pleasant person and very happy to be here.  We exchanged numbers so I hope we’ll stay in touch.

Grief-wise I’m doing okay.  I’ve gotten myself back to the gym and have recommitted myself back to healthy eating.  We did splurge on some most wonderful fried fish tacos Friday night. Oh!  They were so good. 

Today seem to be more difficult for some reason.  I find myself first thing in the morning talking to an empty cage and telling Monsoon how much I miss her.  For the most part I have pulled myself up by the bootstraps but there are still some moments when it feels like lightning has struck my chest.  It moves in waves and I can’t help but think of the weather map before a storm when there are these rows of green bands moving through the sky towards the city.  One by one they come.     And I can throw myself into my work or into the gym all I want.  I know that this is just going to take time.  Thank God the grief goes away in time.  I don’t think I’d ever share my life with another animal if I had remembrance of that all the time. 

I’ve had wonderful support from both friends here and family and friends elsewhere but there is no one that can live the grief for you.  It is a solitary journey.  Hubby has been supportive for the most part but I don’t think he feels at all what I feel; that sense of loss.  My boss, too, bless him, had been wonderful while Monsoon was sick.  He’d come in every morning and pull up a chair for an update.  He’d offer a word of encouragement and hope that she would pull through.  The Monday after she passed though he stayed in his office and I stayed in mine.  We haven’t talked anymore about it.  Men just handle these things so differently. 

We went to the Humane Society adoption center over the weekend.  While there were some adorable pooches there, I didn’t feel the remotest connection with any of them.  I sat down late last week with Hubby and talked about his concerns with our getting another ferret.  He didn’t like the fact that she would get into his things (which really he shouldn’t have left around) and that one time he walked into our bedroom and stepped in some poop.  She had an accident and they were quite frequent the last few months before she passed due to her not being able to get in the litter box.  But again, I explained to him, she was ill.  I asked if we could work out some kind of a compromise and to think about it before answering.  We’ll see.  I find myself getting irritable easily with hubby or at work but when speaking with a client who is driving me batty, I’ll respond sweetly with a smile in my voice but in my head I’m thinking, I don’t effing know (or care)!

But I’ve been down this road before and its true when they say, this too shall pass.

I dreamt last night that hubby was outside cooking on the grill.  We weren’t at our house as it was very green and we were standing under a covered porch.  I stood next to hubby while he chatted away when I noticed a small yellow canvas bag closed with a drawstring hanging from a nail on the porch roof.  A tiny ferret foot could be seen pressed against the inside of the bag.  I knew I shouldn’t be looking at it.  I kept trying to distract myself and tried harder to pay attention to what Hubby was doing.  He didn’t seem to notice (typical).  There was such a foreboding feeling and I had to force myself not to look at it.  Then I woke up.  What the hell was that about???

All Good Dogs Should Go To Heaven…

…and not to be abandoned in the backyard when their owners leave.

A few nights ago upon return from getting the mail, I noticed my neighbor Yoshi (grandmother to the kids in the wagon from a previous post) walking with one of her grandsons over to the house across the street.  She told me she was going over to feed the dogs because the people living in this house had moved out and the property was being foreclosed on.  She had a plastic grocery bag filled with dog kibble and was throwing it over the fence.  She was concerned that they didn’t have water.

Where the neighbors in that house just moved out this past weekend I thought surely they must be returning to get their dogs.  This has to be a temporary situation.  I remembered seeing one of the little dogs chasing a little boy on a bike over the summer.  The little boy lived in the house with a ton of other people.  There were at least 4-6 vehicles parked at that house most of the time.  One was never sure who really lived there and who was just visiting.  Regardless, we all waved hello when coming or going.

Last night after work I saw that it still appeared no one was coming back to take these poor dogs.  I called the local animal shelter which directed me to the county shelter.  Someone, probably Yoshi, had already called them and a detective was coming out to investigate.  I heard the dogs barking from across the street still so they are definitely still there.  Poor things.  It rained last night, too.

When I think of my animals, my dog and ferret, they are my kids.  How could anyone just up and leave without them?  It doesn’t matter what your circumstances are.  There are places to surrender your pets if you can no longer keep them.    How lazy and irresponsible!  While I don’t usually hope bad things on people, I do hope they are found and given a fine.  There is absolutely no reason for a situation like this to ever occur.  No reason whatsoever.  Losers.

Grrr! It Can Only Be Monday

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Not sure what is up with this.  I have no excuse.  It can only be that it is Monday.  I drove to work today wondering why I could possibly be in such a foul mood.  The weekend was great.  I have some neat Fall pics to post later.  I slept well last night.  There is really no excuse.  Maybe this is why:

A few weeks ago I had posted about a company claiming we owed them $200 in past services when I had no idea we even had their service.  This is still in the middle of resolution.  A tech is coming out tomorrow to inspect our equipment that I know for a fact has not worked in months.  On top of that they are charging me $25 for the visit.  This is quite amazing given the fact that I never even signed up for their service.  But just as mortgages are sold to other companies, this small home service was also sold unbeknownst to me.  Apparently all terms and agreements were transferable.  It would have been nice to have heard from this new company earlier than 4 months after the fact.  I did finally get a bill for services that I haven’t had since June.  Amazing. 

Today I’m at work when my cellphone rings.  It ends up being another company that we have had a loan with for over three years.  Now let me tell you in those three + years, I have never been late.  This is despite dealing with three bouts of unemployment between hubby & me over the past year and a half.  When I asked the gentleman on the phone why he was calling given this fact (and also that the payment isn’t due until Wednesday) he got rather terse with me.  It’s a ‘courtesy call’ he stated.   Courtesy, my ass.  The electric company doesn’t call when payment is due.  Neither does the phone company.  In fact most don’t call unless you are crazy late with payments.  This is the first company that has called me to remind me of a payment due before the due date.  I’m guessing they get screwed over.  A lot.  I’m the least of their worries, I’m quite certain.  Maybe a letter to the manager there is in order.

Yes, I’m just venting here (aka: bitching).  I now return you to the regularly scheduled blog post that was supposed to be here.